I think I'll just add on to everything I say before...the past is a part of me and I'd like to just let everyone take a look into what I have thought of in the past.
I've decided to archive things before everything gets too big. All my thoughts will be placed in 2-3 month sections to clean this place up a bit. If you've never been here before, please, read the archives before going on to anything newer. I think it's more rewarding to see how things have changed over time from my writing style and what I write about.
Archives within the Cavern Vault
More Current Thoughts
Indeed..time flows by faster than you expect...and when I finally come back to my essense..I find it changed, subtly..but greatly all at once. What am I now? I know not, but seem to find that the more depressed I am in the night, the more likely I will start just writing...perhaps it's a good sign that the writing has stopped for a while. Jeez..almost 2 and a half months have passed...yet..I feel like it could have been just yesterday that I worked on my page. There's a part of me that is more twisted than ever and it will probably always be, but there's still the hope sitting there looking forward...and my new surroundings do seem to make things better than being home and perhaps when I truly get into learning, it will help me find myself, because I'm pretty sure I am lost again in the madness of the world.
Watch out, for losing self control is such an easy thing to do. I have been slowly realizing that I have really lost my self control the past few weeks and it's time to rebuild again. To lose control is to lose your own self because you are what you decide, feel, think, and do. While I do all this, I have not been doing this ini a proper way. It's like I forget that there are morals and a need to remember to put other people's wants and needs before your own at times. While each person's own needs are very important, people around you can be just as important as well and personally I find helping myself is many times harder. Self improvement...perhaps it is a doomed cause without outside help, but you never know...I will try...even if I fail in the first day of my attempt..without even trying..there is nothing..nothing left at all. Do impossible odds matter if you don't at least look for some way to reach your goal? But wait, some things may truly be lost in life though. Only time can tell if things are truly impossible.
Music continues to have this effect on me that I both love and hate...considering most of my music selection is toward the depressive side, it creates a mood that isn't exactly a happy one usually. But while I do like happy and cheerful music...it's the darker, the sader, and the more painful that truly give meaning and spirit to me. Perhaps it means I can not escape being depressive sometime like now, or perhaps it just means I am twisted into liking that which makes me feel the "lesser" emotions within me, or something else. I can not figure myself out and perhaps I never will learn all my own secrets. The true reason I like a lotta bands is the sadness and darkness it instills, and that does worry me quite a bit. Nine Inch Nails is just the most noticeable example of this, but I am always looking for others as well.
One song to think of, a song title that everyone
should recognize in some way...Fade to Black..
Yet, while the song instills something, it doesn't have the power to make me follow it and I am very glad it doesn't..suicide is perhaps...the wrong answer in most situations...running...is almost never the answer when it comes to problems that aren't physical. The people who don't face their problems are the ones who end up with more...it just is that way....while dealing with a problem is always what many want to avoid at all costs..in the end..it's the only answer...Sometimes..I make the excuse of being too depressed to care about my actions ...and you know what? It's wrong..just plain wrong and stupid...just because of problems..I have no reason to go off on others...I have no reason..to go do things just cause I feel like it...now sitting here writing on my own homepage, hey...this is my own thing..if you don't like it..don't read it. But as long as I'm not messing with other people...I'm fine and I can do what I want. What is horrible is the fact that there is this strong need to reach out for someone you know and to grab them in with you...or sometimes worse...when a friend tries to help and you just hide away everything and kill yourself(sadly..sometimes literally...) by keeping all the pain inside...Strangest thing, I have little to be depressed about these days in truth. I guess unless I find real happiness...I will always find depression everywhere.......it's out there to get you..don't let life get to you....it has at times...but the fight and the will to reach out must always be..to lose it..is to die in my eyes.......
P.S. Oh...should I laugh at this? My watch breaks as I work upon my page...perhaps it's a sign that no matter what..something will go wrong..some problem will show up...life will never be fair.....
Ah yes, the only time I usually really write a lot...when I'm listening to depressive music and alone with a lotta thoughts flowing about in me...sometimes ya wonder...maybe people do their best when they are in trouble or pain or something else of the sort..it's kinda like that under pressure theory where the more things you have to do in a little bit of time, the more likely you will pull through...oh well.....
Knowledge sometimes isn't as good as you think it is...even though knowledge is extremely important....there are bad aspects as well...I for one..love to keep secrets and the sort...but I really don't remember them very long at all.....but that's not truly a bad thing...the bad thing is when you hear about something you really have no control over...being helpless..ug...probably one of the worse situations you can get into...people always want a chance to do something..to redeem themselves..to reach a goal...not have a single thing to say or a way to affect a situation can be a torture in itself. People are active...no matter how lazy you proclaim to be...whether it's your mind, or your body...something is going on with each of us at all times.
All right..sleep is pulling upon me..I think I've done my share of stuff for today...the most amusing being that I beat a friend at chess twice tonight(well technically last night)...tis time for R.E.M....
P.S. You know..Bush has some really good depressive stuff on Razorblade Suitcase...
"Wherever you are, you will carry always
Truth of the Stars and the darkness of your faith
Slowly move on, How did we get to here?
It all went wrong, gravity claiming all your tears.....
...What you save is what you lose out in the end..."-Cold Contagious(Bush)
You know what one of the worst things that can happen is? When you start questioning your own self. I wonder now about my skill at judging people...perhaps it is not infallable as it I thought it was. The fear is that there may be a need to change a lot of things about myself because of this. I'd be truly horrible if that ended up being true. Self Improvement is already practically impossible for me and I admit it. But there is always that chance that I can truly make myself a better person. I know not, but I hope all my faults are making me worse as time goes on..for if this is true.....
Ah, MP3's are such a wonderful asset at times. They have definitely given me a better idea of what bands I can look forward to exploring and learning more of. Type O Negative has pulled me in and I may have to explore the realm of Goth/Metal a bit more just to see what it has within it's bounds. But for music, I always wonder how little I really know, how little I have really listened to and how much more there is that is both good or truly horrid and worthless. To find what music really matters is a problem that can only be solved through listening, yet the sad things is that even the radio is way too commercialized. Stations just aren't willing to branch out enough to embrace more bands and put them on the air, which leaves me with a few other ways to find out things. The TV is actually the worse source at most times. MTV being a horrible channe that I wish didn't exist. I find that friends are probably the best source of finding music, but still, they only know what they know. Being able to find out about all music is a lot harder, yet I think the web helps the situation greatly. I wonder though about MP3's in one way. The record companies and artists need to make money to survive, yet MP3's are free. Music for free just doesn't work if bands based their living on earning money through their songs. It's a horrible mess in my opinion and some of the record companies and their associations are taking the wrong approach to the situation like simply threatening to sue all sites with MP3's. At the same time, I wonder if MP3's should be legal or not. I know not the answer to that myself yet.
I am so deeply addicted right now to music, it feels ridiculous in a way, yet it feels like it should be always, with a sound of darkess within, and a sound of hope trying to free itself from that which holds it within me.
"Am I good enough......for you...."-Love you to Death(Type O Negative)
Darkness...eating all in it's wake..but inside..is more light....and the growth of a new day revives us from our deathly loves...
Self Sacrifice, is it really worth it? I wonder at times if doing too much for a friend is right or wrong. But I always feel that I am not doing enough, like I am guilty of sitting there being a fool instead of going out and doing something. The excuse is always in reach as well. "I'm too lazy". Sometimes I feel really disgusted at this, yet it's one of those bad attributes of myself. But I ask this, would you be willing to suffer for someone else? Is this noble and caring deed or just a dumb act? It's extremely hard to draw the line where when it comes to trying to help someone. Hurting yourself for someone else. Perhaps it may cause more problems instead of helping the situation. I really do not know when it is the right choice to take in the pain or not. Someday I'll figure out exactly what I think is right and wrong, but right now I take each situation on a case by case basis and perhaps that may be the right choice, except sometimes feelings warp my sense of right and wrong.when it comes to friends. AS well, there's always a little emotional masochism in me. A want to feel pain at times. It's a twisted, twisted thing, but it's a part of me.
Two songs I'm very addicted to...Love you to Death and Photograph. The strange thing is, while the lyrics to both songs are very good, I love them more for the music. Usually it's the other way around, but it's a nice change of pace actually.
A Number of Backwritten thoughts missing that I wrote by hand, but will be typed up...
"Hold on my heart..throw me a lifeline..I'll keep
our place for you..somewhere deep inside...so hold on my heart...please
tell her to be patient...cause there has never been a time that I wanted
if I can recall this feeling..I know there's a chance..oh I will be there..I will be there..be there for you
whenever you want me to, whatever you call..oh I will be there..Yes I will be there.."- Genesis(with Phil singing)
Few songs come close to perfection as this one....another proof of why I love Genesis and Phil. Ya, I'm actually adding to this web page. A miracle, well not really at all..just another occurance in the sea of life. So what say I tell this out? My computer's been dead for about 8 months..and of course..it's finally been given up on after being taken apart, tested, and reassembled and still it didn't work. I've got a new computer now, which is really nice compared to my old one and it's being paid by the money I'm making at work. Not a bad deal at all, but still, the true meaning in life is very distant. Ah well, the search for love, purpose, and othersuch continues as always and I shall get back to other things now..
Bleh, a perfectly simple word to describe a lotta things all at once. I still feel extremely lackadaisical, but at least life "appears" okay to the outer eyes of anyone. It's the insides that still haven't gone anywhere. I had thought maybe getting back into my old habits of life would help, but it does almost nothing. The more I try to bring back the past, the less value it ends up having to me in the present. I want something I can never have as Trent Reznor says so well. Well then again, what I want is something almost out of reach for even the best of people.....maybe I want too much, but it's because the disappointments always happen otherwise. I can't expect perfection and I won't receiving perfection, but at least I haven't settled for something or someone I really don't believe in or love with all my heart. It's like they always say to do when reaching for your best, never back down in what you believe in deep inside, reach for it no matter how fucking far away it is, and this I must do.
On other notes...I continue to be the damnedest creature as Anne Rice would describe myself and Lestat as. Perhaps I'm the second damnedest creature considering Lestat beats me in being a "punk ass" as I like to call it. I noticed that Yoda is a pretty big punk ass as well which amuses me and just makes me like him even more. Anyways, I'm back into doing things I shouldn't simply because I want to, even though all reasoning says you are a fucking idiot to be doing this. Oh well, tis myself and I can live with being me. I really don't care about what decisions I make anymore..I'm basically on auto-pilot because while I'm aware of everything, I know I'll do what I do no matter what I decide not to do anyways. It's just who I am and I'm not gonna fight myself anymore. Maybe someday I can improve my ways more than slightly, but for now, if you want to be my friend, then hey, you'll just have to live with who I am inside and out, for better or worse..of course..the rules of life say worse and murphy is usually right.
What really bugs me is that I don't have that urge to go about fixing up my comp and working on stuff I should do like really truly work on my web page instead of only throwing my mind into wording what I think. Ah well, just another rut I've fallen into and as my latest hope for a little salvation seems to be gone as another well..rejection..yet not rejection settles in...but I look onward unless the hope rekindles. I can be glad of one aspect of me, at least I'm not that power hungry. Power is a nice thing, but it can create as many problems as well as advantages and in this I leave the decision to the other party like usual. They get to choose things in the end. I'd rather sit back and think over things. Waterfalls and rocks..splashing along the river of life..do you fall down the waterfall to the calm pond of love..or to the rapids filled with rocks of pain and suffering? The rock itself hurts noone, but with the wrong situations, even something harmless can be deadly for your soul. A dream of a waterfall, falling into the arms of a perfect one....the lady of mysteries..if you are out there..don't forsake me...I shant last forever and neither shall the magic of life...no magic no love no reasons nothing..is left..but the void..
A few songs are just so sweet and thoughtful in their little ways, where not a word matters. As always, I find myself truly enchanted by the masterpieces of music that squaresoft creates. A little tune makes me the fondness of things in the past and the bittersweet feelings flow all about. There's an uprooted feeling, a feeling that everything keep moving and the things you cherish slowly disappear to never be found again. All the innocence slowly fades away, and the wonder dwindles, but that's why we keep moving forward. For to stay in one place is to lose interest. And I do strongly want out and away. It seems I can't do tis one alone though. As many have needed, it comes to the point where a guide is the only answer left. To find the keystone that fits the archway so you can cross safely, to unlock the key to existing. Where art thou? Am I blinded or just a fool? Can if be that the time has merely not come? Hold on, cause that's all I can do now. There's nothing else, but the sense of hopeless continuence.
"Play on my friend, go on with your sad song, for nothing you do can be wrong. The bard's words are the ones that bring the light. For that I hope I can find what is right. Be not blind from the things in your sight. Perhaps then may your mind be your might."-Myself
A single dream, a dream in my mind came a knocking upon me. Where in the twisted depths of my mind, a stirring of a precious little touch of love reached deep within me. Where can I find it, and what does it mean?
The soul needs nourishment and mine is slowly dieing in it's inability to find what it needs. Sadly it does not help that I do not know how to go about finding something to believe in and love.
I sit here, the time is 6am, the soul is completely lost, the sadness bubbles up from the depths of the heart, and despair flows about me. I wonder where my friend has disappeared to, when something new will be found to fill the void that spoils what existence there is. Too much to be done, too much has been left undone, that is what is really what I am in a nutshell. A failure so far, but the past means little compared to the now. The present, the opportunity to make things right, make redemption a true calling. How badly do I want that redemption? Obviously not nearly enough to do what needs to be done. There is no someday, someday is an excuse for those who can't do things now. Now is the time for action, now is the time to stop putting things off, now is the answer. Yet, patience is a virtue, prudence is a neccessity, but failure to do anything is death. I shall find you, I shall find myself, I shall stop failing myself if it can be done... a weeping of unfallen tears all burning inside of me, slowly tearing myself apart with it's salty sting.
Failing myself completely and utterly, it is the way of myself time and time again. Yet, I feel both reborn, free, sad, and alone all at once. Perhaps my final chance to reclaim the life I need to find out there. A hope at the end of the tunnel that is no longer as invisible as it has been. Just maybe this time, I'll make things right, the way they should always have been. It's time to truly try to put my emotions somewhere safe until I really have a reason to feel since all they do is cause problems. I know I can't love life like some people are able to, it's just something completely contracy to my nature. And if I can't bring myself to feel anything good, it's much better to be free from sadness while I try to rebuild myself from stratch again. As I've said before, I say again, only love can save me, and I don't know where she is, so all is nothing for now.
The darkness, the emptyness, tugging at the heart quietly, escaping the ghosts of my past, fleeing the visions of my future, hiding within myself in the present. I wonder again why the hell I live in the first place. No answer ever satisfies this question, yet is it the wrong question? Maybe the real question is what the hell should I go ahead and do because it's the right thing? Of course, the right thing itself can be many things to each person, and no two rights are comparable.
"There is one thing that I would die for,
it's when you say my life is in your hands
cause when you're near me, your love is all I need"-What do you want from me?(Monaco)
Words don't flow, nothing comes to me, leave it be, leave it alone, time to go past the words that plague thee.
Everything comes and goes, time flows faster and faster, nothing happens the way it should. Sometimes it has to be time to move on, to escape that which entraps. Hidden deep inside is the need to build, ot to create, to stop the quiet leeching away that I do. I feel more like Raistlin in that regard, yet I am much worse than him. At least he had the ambition, the tenacity, the inner motivations to go on through trials and tortures. I cannot even overtake my own trials, let alone the outside ones. In all that he did though, he could not create, not love, not wonder, not dreams, nor the new races he wished to make in his name. I must create, in some manner, in some way, something meaningful. I do not know how, I know it must be done. Let my words stand that creating and growth is the only way to a future, and yet some things must be lost, or perhaps destroyed. Nothing lasts forever, nothing shall continue the same. I must change, I must let go, I must go on.
"I'm waiting for the night to fall
When everything is bearable
And there in the still
All that you feel is tranquility
There is a star in the sky
Guiding my way with its light
And in the glow of the moon
Know my deliverance will come soon"-Waiting for the Night(Depeche Mode)
The night, my time, my place, my darkness, it shall be in the glow of the moon that my soul may find itself again...
It's funny, one day changes so much so quickly. Yesterday there was a quiet, but growing hope for change and new things. It's still there today, but buried beneath the icky feeling of just being here now. Turning over a new leaf..is it possible or am I just dreaming? As usual my cynicism sits there waiting to deflate any and all hopes. It's funny how writing a story limits so much sometimes. I feel free to write anything when I just write whatever comes to mind, but when I'm trapped in a story, I feel like I can't let go, can't let loose, can't really be myself. Then again that limitation is what makes it a story in the first place. Funny thing is I have nothing else to say at the moment, the emotions just aren't there...
Just one movie is all it takes sometimes, to complete today at least. Well not just one movie, but it becomes the heart of the matter tonight. It's like once again, I see what life could be, and what life is, and I see what truths can be revealed from that. Perhaps I can learn and see what I need to do now, but no, there are no easy answers to anything in my mind.
Depression is really a strange thing since it comes and goes and yet sometimes it's just like there's nothing different from yesterday, but today it's depressive. I kinda really hate it, actually it's more interesting because I really do think I hate it today. It's just a thorn in my back stopping me from too much and making me completely useless and I need to escape it's wrath and try to get the hell out. Yet, I also know I really would rather not try to be happy, but maybe that's because the first trigger of sadness is just a catalyst and stopping the reactions is a lot harder than letting them all happen and fade over time, which of course is how everything usually goes. It's true though, there really isn't too much to be happy about unless the hopes I hold inside do come true and I'm much too pessimistic to believe that nearly anything will ever work out the way it should. But, I can hold my dreams in, a love to reach for that I feel like I need to really focus upon... And the day comes soon to see what becomes of that hope. A future year that comes much too soon with nothing resolved and only the faint glimmers of hope that things will place me where I want to be. And way too much psychology in my brain that while true for the most part, is just not something I think I can truly want to assimilate into my own being... the darkness becomes too deep and entrentched to believe in the positive that becomes too disgustingly pure for my taste. The need for the night that reaches its grasp and rips at my soul is an eternal one. It is the darkest hour that leads to the greatest choices and while I passed one of the darkest hours many months ago, I know another will come someday and I must find myself again...
Outside, in the dark, is both the truest friend and the darkest fate. It lets you reach deepest into yourself and pull out what really goes thorough your mind, but it also lets all the fear come out from it's hiding place. Learning to learn really could be the hardest thing of all, because once you know how to learn, you can basically do anything. And it seems like my mind is out of the words that need to be reached for so tis another day to come...
A few small things make me really think again..for
a moment at least..since for now..I think I really have started to ignore
myself in a way. It really isn't a good thing, but it does help me continue
myself. It's really myself losing emotion in a way and I felt some of it
today..and I also know I express it quietly, but it's not a blantantly
affecting thing as it once has been. As usual, it is the prompts or catalysts
as I think of em that cause such an outburst to start flowing from the
depths of the being and soul within myself. And of course, music always
seems to be beside me in the emotions that flow. Just watching a crazy
show like Marmalade Boy makes me realize how much that need for someone
else can sometimes have a greater affect than could ever be known. I really
wish things would regain a soul, because the soul is what seems to get
ignored the most by myself, and I get the feeling I can go back to it,
but the longer I stay away, the harder it becomes....and if I lose it for
too long..I couldn't bear to stare at myself again. I think that if I can
somehow survive the madness raging around, and I can build a true foundation
for myself, maybe the darkness will become more of an ally instead of a
creature that half blinds and half reveals every step of the way. Shining
the light upon thee, let that brightness flow, escape not the hope that
surrounds, and mayhap the day will become as bright as the night. I am
coming back to the beginning of all that is, and the circle may be repeating,
but it is time..to travel up the circle, instead of across in an ignorant
turning away. Silence is death. Life itself is death. But in that moment
inbetween life and death..is me. And letting it all go away is the last
of all that should be done.
P.S. Yes another new year..and even the y2k..but does it matter? Not a chance..it is merely a symbol..perhaps a symbol to derive strength from..but still merely a symbol. Life is continuous, never seperated by any more than a moment..and this moment is now as it always will be.
And the madness rages on, another chapter of it added on, another extra item that should never have been touched, and yet, it is the need to change and grow that makes this almost a neccessity. Perhaps a concrete item to latch onto. A shapeless goal to form into something believable. Or perhaps just another in the long list of incomplete dreams and hopes. Only the sound of the lunarians can tell the truth. The beating that scraps in the back of the mind, where all the real activity goes on. To fight on beyond the death that I see is the only thing left as always. The time in which to fight keeps ticking away, with each second wasted as always. The comtemplation of the idea may be just as useless as the creation of the idea..when it is never achieved. Never even truly tried. The effort must match both the soul and the wants. Anything less is another failure. A few more...til the end.
There is such an utterly aching beauty in the music that one finds sometimes, even music that has been taken for granted for too long. This music is the type where your soul wants to weep at times and yet at times, it smiles through the pain of it all. I think..I just discovered what I'd choose through my own heart speaking to me. Secret of Mana gets my vote over Chrono Trigger in terms of pure musical value. There is a soulful quality just can not be compared to, and I wish that something could actually accompany the sounds that flow forth.
It is asked why? And why is always the wrong question. It is why is it this instead of something else that matters. The answers to the question lead in more than one way, otherwise you have no choice, and left with nothing, there is not a reason to ask why? The answer would always be, because there is nothing else. The choices placed before us are always only a few of the many to be seen. Those choices that are rarely found as the ones that have to be found..the ones that are hard to reach..the ones that I myself can almost never reach. The ones that are the answer to what I am always missing. Every moment, another opportunity down the drain. Another lost hope, another failure. And yet, anytime, there is another chance to regain what is lost. Soon to be lost....forever.
It is very very disturbing how I can just let a week..2 weeks..a month pass by..and still feel like strangely, it seems like time has gone by much too quickly and my last urge to write was but a day ago. Yet, every time I look at the dates, I think, I've just lost even more again. And this was something I truly could have done something about, I just haven't..for my own stupidity's sake. I really wish I could do what I need to do. But it always seems..almost impossible for myself. And all I know is I can feel that darkness, that agony, that pain, that helplessness, and it is always hiding there, even when there is nothing that has reason to cause. Yet, I must push on..somehow..like in the prophesies of the belgariad...time must move on someday. The circle ends, and closes and grows. This growth cannot be stunted forever..unless it is killed utterly. I can't let that happen yet, not until some really fucked up things happen..and even then..that may end up being a catalyst. Who knows? The future is only the future..the present is what changes. And what can be changed must be changed. Change..for the worse..until an angel descends upon the witches' brew...
A perfect song indeed at times. The Parasite eve and Karekano soundtracks have some extremely wonderful instrumental pieces. Enough emotion to enpain myself at times. I cannot speak..not now..perhaps I will regain my voice someday..for now..my voice box is as dead as everything else.
Goddess..I really can't stand the Karekano sad instrumentals, they really really get to me, deep down to the root. Hideaki Anno has some utterly wonderful taste in music. It just keeps reminding me of all the dreams and pain that go into every day of living. I can see how much I am outside of where I should be. How everything I wish for is really something I barely even try to reach. How some people just seem to have so much more to look forward to and create. How love and understanding can lead to a full existence if they allow a real opportunity to bloom. Nothing in myself exists yet, I know one thing. If I am to realize the suffering and sorrow, I must slowly become the creature of passion. The one that sees past the bland remains and into the light of a perfect soul searching song. The circumstances..are mine..and no she could take them unless she was the one. The more I listen..the more I want to cry..the more I wish I could just sit there..watching Karekano..and seeing the way two people should become pillars to each other. Humanity. The damnedest creature around..indeed. The follys mount up, but sadly, the learning does not follow behind. I fail, and yet..I do not succeed in my own way either.
Can't help it..can't move..can't escape..isn't happening..doomed as always..I need to focus..to face..to realize..to remember the promises I make to myself. ug..this just sucks.
Ya know, I've been way too lazy to write something I was going to write the day it happened, I think somehow..though it seemed to have importance..it was tainted by an attitude. He said a number of things, he definitely believed them, but he also had a thought, that he was right, that he was the better, I could see it in his eyes in a way. He said that knowing was better than believing. That knowing what you know is what matters. He also agreed when I said that your emotions are controlled by you, by what you believe, by what you decide. No one else can truly control them, you are the one who makes yourself feel happy. It is true..to an extent..but the human mind controls almost nothing in a way. It is helpless in the stem of everything that surrounds it, logic cannot survive alone. Influences come from everything, and each has it's own part upon your own emotion. Those emotions are irrational creatures that would never make sense. They flow from day to day, always a confusing mess of joy and sorrow. Unless you block them out... He said one other thing, he said that arguing was just a feature of hate, resentment, or jealousy. I definitely can't agree there, argument and debate as a key to growth in a way. You have to understand that seeing the black side of things helps to see the light as well. Knowing your own failures leads you to avoid them in a future attempt. This man, I think, I shall meet him again, and I shall see what to make of him again. It does not matter in more than being another small episode, a detail in the life that continues endlessly til the unknown death that awaits.
I wonder how much I can really become, since I keep messing up anyways, it is human failing, but it annoys the hell out of me at times. Nay, I don't think I can write, not when there is nothing inside me. It's a strange and wierd emptyness that flows across my shell of humanity. I guess it's just the empty hole sitting there doing nothing at the moment.
Shaking out the cobwebs, alas, way too much to do. I must fly the coop and touch upon the wonderland.
I really wonder, and hope dearly that the thoughts in my brain can be enough to earn something special out there. Rarities of certain creatures that stalk the world have to be pursued when the flame kindles softly again. The illusions of fate reveal their hand again as the circle renews it's attempt to break the mortol coil that surrounds it always. Shadows lurk beneath the every step that is taken and each could be the last in this new avenue to travel upon. Already the weight becomes almost unbearable, and yet even now, there has not been any true portant of fear, let alone danger. The wisest man knows that the blind fool rushes first, the smart man seeks to know what's really hidden in the shadows first. Let the fates proceed their way, their strings cannot control the destiny of those who act in this play. The angel waving her wings will become the soul to love and cherish, for no one could ever compare to her radience. Let this be the final battle, and not just another in the endless travels that seem without an answer. Allow the blooming of the spring to truly begin..where the heart can find its perfect compliment and become all that dreams are made of.
P.S. I love the songs of FF4 so much...
Answers come in the swift of the night, with the moon shining, sometimes behind the clouds and sometimes shining brightly down upon me. In the shadows the moon is both hidden from view, where all that exists is shadowed and secret. Truths become revealed in time, and a major one has come upon time. Existence needs purpose, a reason, because without it, what exactly is the point of existence? There is one major forgotten point in all this, which has led myself astray for far too many years to count. The seeking, the journey, to the purpose to be found, can last for many a time, maybe even longer than the purpose itself. Direction is the key, direction is what my life must seek. The directions that can be seen right now are the ones that must be followed, for many things still need to happen. Much learning, much growth, much exploration away from the hollow circle of life that follows in its wake. It's out there somewhere, in me, and in everything around. The purpose itself is not so important now, the opportunities and directions I can seek out are the real thing. The thing I can do. The thing I can seek to open myself away from the blackness that flows around. Freedom! Spirit! An answer that comes in the form of a question. That is what I have created in my own mind, and it is good. Hope can flow again and the river can slowly seep out of the motionless lake that mirrors all that exists. The mirrors of life reflect upon thee, and they must change as yourself does. Shatter the bonds that hold you back and flow outward, grow, become fulfilled! The directions to seek are visible..learning, love, hope, dreams..to not let these opportunities continue to slip away. They must be found and touched upon as I can do so. I hope to write a book, a book of all that I think and belief..the philosophies that lead the way with the morals and the ways to follow in my own heart...and maybe I can be the one to touch upon others..the hope and dreams that can flow outward..
P.S. No more damned mental blocks, they block
out way too much and push me away from it all. Time to allow myself to
see everything in view...
Direction..it is there, but it is hidden beneath the mindlessness that seems to gravitate all over me. A simple excuse is enough to pull me away from everything that flows about myself causing me to lose track. Alas, it comes over time, and I shall come to awaken tomorrow, to see again.
Life just keeps on traveling on and on, with the train moving with or without someone. Sometimes you can really just ignore life like so many already do. It is the realization that ignoring things is a great way to hurt everything you know, that makes life something to pay attention to. Sadly, I'm guilty of plenty of such a sin, and probably will continue to be. I keep on traveling, and I keep on running away from things. To stay and face the light is the way to salvation. The blankness is not an answer, it is an excuse to keep hiding from things you don't want to deal with. Face everything with your eyes and your mind forward; focused at the problems staring right at you.
"I see a white reflection"
Awakened for a moment from the blackness of the night and the pointless wandering that I do so often. It always begs the question that is never answered...why? Why do I do nothing about anything, while wishing for the omens of joy to come upon me? I just keep moving from pointless thing to pointless thing when I know that I want something more. Maybe I am afraid in my heart to deal with that which is challenging to reach for. Maybe my willpower is so weakened that I can barely tolerate seeing myself. Sometimes the disgust is just so noticeable, and yet, all I do is stumble along hopelessly. I need to do the mundane things to survive. The supernatural spirituality only comes when other things do not weigh down and push aside the true realities that you want to witness. Simplicity in life is a key to everything. It has always been said that every doubt and worry just sucks away more attention in your mind, leaving you nothing left to spend on the hopes and dreams that create the true joy in life. Whatever they may actually be... Of which, the few I have continue to be abstract. That in itself is a root in my own problems. Most everything seems abstract and distant. Something I cannot easily reach for and attain. Instructions do not come in such a thing as life, it is those who can reach out and create their own path that succeed in their own interests. Sadly, I have not been much of a pathblazer at any point in life. My own mental creations are my claim to being my own creature, but they have little growth outside of myself. I hope they do turn into something I can grow upon. Love is the one abstraction that is most easily thought of, and yet, the one that I see no hope for. The emptyness is prevelent throughout me as I wander aimlessly. I hope my own will and strength can carry me beyond the shallowness that I seem to just fall through. Tis another hypocracy in my hell of self-critique. Alas, I shall only seek to pass beyond this utter inmaturity that seems one of the greatest challenges in my existence. Wishes...are...a guide...to desires that you truly dream of...
It's funny, I think I just don't pay attention to things much..ignoring too much..off in my own tortured mess of school and dorms. Tis a sad state indeed, something I must awaken from and refocus upon sooner. More interesting yet that one shot of Depeche Mode seems to almost awaken my soul...
It's been too long since I've awakened to the inner thoughts and feelings that always reside in the subconscious, wishing that they would be heard and all the pain in the soul would just gush out. Much too long indeed..and longer still for I am lost as always and have no will to become myself. It is as if all my strength has been drained away by the daily grind of existence and nothing can bring it back to life. Sigh, there's this urge to need and want people, and yet this distaste at trying to reach out and be social. It's like the ones I know of just drain away the spirit and malnourish, rather than bringing anything to bloom. I myself am a failure to be a catalyst of any value to myself.
Definitely been lost in the haze. Tis a strange thing to write again after such a long period of utter silence in both my mind and in my empty soul. I suspect and wonder if certain people can really help change that enough to matter. In some ways I am suspicious that my own faults will continue to gnaw and eat away at both myself and the futures I have with others. At least the freedom that awaits is coming soon. In less than a year or so, all that remains is myself and anyone who wishes to actually stand with me. Unknown how the future shall turn, but in the present, I must change as usual. I have changed in the ways of surviving existence, but I have not changed in the ways that will complete me and nourish myself. They are in fact, in a numb and dead state. More of a failure to pay attention to the inner self and only use my brain for things more shallow and present. It's funny how much I've been thinking, yet it's thinking for the purpose of survival, not the purpose of a higher growth. I guess neccessity truly does outweigh art and "extracurricular" activities in some cases. If I had something I truly could grow and learn from and be inspired from it, I think sacrificing some neccessity is a perfectly reasonable approach. The problem is more of the self as usual though. The changes I vow do not become the changes I follow for the most part. It seems I have changed one problem and replaced it with another. And none of it was more than a phrric victory at best. My interest in learning has not really increased to the point of actively trying to learn because I want to. It is more of a trying to pass my classes with good grades approach. The same approach that has waned on and off in the past 10 or so years, which in itself is a bad sign. However I do think I have truly improved my study habits in a permanent and lasting manner. Still, I have lost more of my emotional empathy and my soul is dead as ever. Something to work on this summer at least. There is an opportunity to sort the things before me now. I am not helpless and trapped in one objective for the first time in 9 months. There shall be a reckoning and in that comes the questions that will flow eternally. What is it you really wish for? What do you dream of? Is she the right one? Is she something that will pull you down? Am I really doing what matters? What does matter? The circle of questions continues...
Sometimes you just want to cry. Like the energy of life has been sucked out of you. This is one of those moments..well more like a continuous drain for the past 3 days. Tis not a good thing at all, and for a number of reasons. I guess my little vacation was a combination of both up and down that really made things worse in the end. There was a certain mindset thrown around about the whole situation and it ends with myself feeling empty and emotionally weakened afterwards. My choice of music isn't really helping either, but that's nothing new, now is it? I will fall upon this apathy as I have many a time and press onward though. Even if I do lay in the ashes of my failling rebirth.
Out there floating in the sea of darkness is the dreams and hopes of many people. I am just a speck in that sea looking out with a beautiful and eternal sound of longing flowing from my body and soul.
I realize that the biggest emotional weapon against myself is really not the big ones...but the little annoyances that quietly build up to something that loses the logic and reason that a truly disgusted feeling brings. Controlling yourself from things that really don't make sense is one of the greatest growths in maturity around. It's also something I think I'm nowhere near close to achieving, but I do believe when I find myself cold and devious of emotions, it becomes easier to ignore that which is merely a passing annoyance. Meanwhile I have this very strong urge to listen to really emotional songs of empathy and dreams together with one out there...strange how the opposites do sometimes some together at the same time. The signs point to failure, the mind continues to stumble over all the wrong pathes, the human inside hasn't fallen over dead yet....
There is one thing I know for sure, as I sit here trying to focus and find something to latch onto...there is nothing. The strong focus of my temporary need is gone and left in its place is nothing. There are things that could create more diversion, but little that will allow me to become whole. I find the danger of feeling..and feeling not that which I want to feel. It drags me down into something that I must avoid for the sake of both myself and others. Words cannot express anything until I find myself with a truly focused attack, one that I have not found the strength to do...
As usual, I find myself with one truth to myself that I can't deny. I place the weight of certain issues as an excuse to get nothing else done, leaving me with a large amount of guilty toward myself and everyone else. It also leaves me with a feeling of nothingness and despair as I fail to strive, and I fail to be something that displays life. Life is motion..and therefore I am lifeless and dead.
As time causes memories to fade and my heart to do the same, it's obvious my emotional state is wasting away slowly. The fact that I haven't found that almost impossible to find eternally deep bond with someone else causes me to run without a blessed emotion in my heart. Every once in a while, I can notice that I really long for that's been missing for far too long. But, I really don't know if I even deserve such a thing, in some ways I really don't think I'm much of a good person at all. Emotional commitment is a two-way street, I wonder if I can really pave the other direction... Meanwhile the sad tune plays...and the heart tries to awaken to it...awakening all those wishes inside...
There is a darker feeling within these days caused by a number of things that have disturbed me to no end. It's as if my ego is weakening and I am losing the strength of self within. Course my physical health isn't at its best and probably has contributed to this state of great weakness, but excuses are the last thing that I need. Tis a trend that really bothers me and I sit here thinking that I need to reverse it for my own empowerment... Focusing myself is the first key, everything else shall follow thereafter.
The moment I do look myself in the mind's eye I can easily notice that I'm still basically ignoring everything and just wandering forward with no true direction. And I know that'll never get me where I truly want to be.... whereever and whatever that place is.
Geez this is gonna sound like a livejournal entry the way those evil things tend to go. I just have this nice and bittersweet feeling of being damaged in a number of ways. One of those being that I just finished a cute little show. Of course I should be asleep at this point, but that's the haps.
Merlin - 11/?/02
Seems I've run into an unfinished entry of an unfinished damage. Of course now I run into more interesting circumstances of something I've never dreamed of touching. Tis something I know there can be found both the joyful wuv, and the dangers of many perils lurking beneath. I find myself glad to have this ponderance to dwell upon though, even though it holds sway over the numbness that locks me in a mindless path where I walk without seeking what's deep underneath. Tis a little light that shines even with the darkness clouding it all beneath the layers.
Merlin - 11/23/02
The new year comes upon all of us, one in
which there seems to be a real mix of both hope and despair out there.
I find myself seeing much of the same with my helpless feelings of 2002
still following me into the next year. However there are some things
from the year before that bring me some mixed emotions that I hope can
change myself in the future...
Merlin - 1/2/03
to the Wizard's entrance